The illustrious month of September is upon us and with it comes a whole slew of new movies to mock and/or get excited for. But why should I ramble on about Hollywood’s latest batch of releases when they can speak for themselves with more eloquence than a member of the British Monarchy (well, perhaps just the Queen, but still…)?

Here are some of the big releases that will make their way into theaters over the next four weeks:

September 1st – THE AMERICAN


Hi there. I am The American. You may note that I feature Oscar-winner George Clooney in a dramatic role about a professional assassin who desires nothing more than to leave his immoral career forever behind him. If you watch my trailer, you might notice that I feature several gloomy shots of the European countryside and Clooney with a grim expression on his face. Plus I’m set in Europe and I don’t involve the wacky adventures of Amanda Seyfried or Kristen Bell, searching for their true love. That is how you know I am a serious, awards-contending movie. Ignore the fact that I am ingloriously being released at the start of September – if you watch me, you will be a better person afterwards.

September 3rd – MACHETE


Hola, muchachos! It’s your old buddy, Machete. You might remember me from my kick-ass, faux trailer that showed during the theatrical run of Grindhouse WHICH NONE OF YOU WENT TO SEE (*flexes weapons of choice menacingly* Yes, I can flex steel – you didn’t know that?)! Well, now I’ve got my own movie – how do you like them apples? I get to kill people, shoot people, stab people, and possibly get it on with both Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez. Yes, I am just that awesome. So go see my film – it’s just like Piranha 3D, only with Danny Trejo instead of killer CG fish. You know who to bet on in that showdown.

September 10th – RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE


THREE-DEE! Er, I mean, hello, I am Resident Evil: Afterlife. I am the fourth entry in the popular Resident Evil video game movie series and I AM IN THREE-DEE! Sorry – I am the first in the franchise to be filmed using the same 3D camera system and technology that James Cameron used to make gigantic Smurfie cats look cool in his $500 million remake of Ferngully: The Last Rainforest. Hey, you folks shelled out, what, at least $15 a pop to see that pic in theaters – you honestly don’t think a movie that features Milla Jovovich and Ali Larter killing flesh-eating zombies will look as good IN THREE-DEE? Just because the next Resident Evil movie is still rumored to be a reboot is no reason you shouldn’t check me out. Did I mention that I am – IN THREE-DEE?

September 17th – DEVIL


Bwa, ha, ha, I am Devil! I am a tense, claustrophobic thriller about five people trapped in an elevator – and one of them may be Satan! Wicked, huh? See, it all started with a little guy named M. Night Shyama- SIT BACK DOWN! He just came up with my story – the movie was directed by the guys responsible for Quarantine. You remember, that flick about the TV news crew that get trapped in a building with vampires creatures? Where some knucklehead kept his camera on to film it all? Anyway, I’m scary and creepy too. No twist ending either, I promise – or do I?

Yeah, I know I come out the same day as that funny looking high school comedy with Emma Stone, Easy A. There’s also The Town coming out on the 17th as well, I suppose – you know, that intense-looking crime drama that stars a bunch of acclaimed actors and marks Ben Affleck’s directorial followup to Gone Baby Gone. You will still go see me instead, right?

September 24th – LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA’HOOLE


Greetings and salutations, my fellow lovers of the cinema. I am based on a children’s fantasy series of the same name about a mystical land populated by owls and other talking things covered in fur and feathers. Zack Snyder – the auteur responsible for 300 and Watchmen – was responsible for directing me, so you know I will be visually stunning and stylish. You can even take your young ones to see me and not regret it afterwards. Finally, I can boast the voice talents of many refined thespians, such as Dame Helen Mirren, Hugo Weaving, and Sam Neil. Honestly, when has Sam Neil ever agreed to be a part of a lousy blockbuster that wasn’t worth the price of admission? No, Jurassic Park 3 does not count!

Besides, you can either check me out or go see Oliver Stone’s Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. Do you really need another reminder about how Wall Street ruined the economy and is now doing better than ever? Didn’t you get enough of that during the end credits of The Other Guys? Just come watch me and marvel at cute 3D owls instead.

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