October 7, 2012 | Marcus Varner | 1 Comment Let’s face it: if humanity is attacked by an advanced intelligence, we’re going to lose. We can barely handle a few mountain men hiding up in the hills with rocket launchers and AK-47s. What would we do if city-sized flying saucers dropped out of the sky and started frying everything? Answer: nothing. We would scurry for cover and hope that we were among the 10 percent to survive the initial cleansing. And then, we’d have to learn to deal with our new living situation. Inevitably, however, we would have to go into alien territory for something (Ex: medication, food, device that could save the human race). That’s why we’ve provided this list of five ways you can infiltrate an alien-controlled area undetected. And, yes, this post will save your life (and that of the whole human race) one day: 1. Make a good costume Sometimes, the most advanced of intelligences can be deceived by the simplest trickery, like a good costume. If movies are a good indication (and they definitely are), you can usually find the materials you need to make a passing alien costume in any dumpster or pile of rubble. Simply duck into your nearest alley, grab the materials you need, fasten all together-some rags here, medical tubing there- and in minutes you look just like one of them. Assuming the aliens have poor eyesight and can’t smell your human-ness. 2. Alter your DNA If the aliens possess some kind of advanced detection system, like metal detectors except for DNA instead of metal, a costume might not be enough. Assuming your survivor camp has a good geneticist, you can obtain samples of the aliens’ DNA and alter your DNA to match theirs. That way, you walk right through their bio-scanners and they’ll just think you’re one of them because, how could their advanced instruments be wrong, right? Of course, this is an especially risky path, given the severe consequences of toying with DNA. You might end up turning into some horrible alien-human hybrid and eating your fellow survivors. Use this suggestion only under the supervision one of the world’s best geneticists. 3. Get yourself an alien eyeball Retinal scanners are just coming into their own on our planet, but they’re probably still all the rage on the other side of the galaxy. They probably use those suckers to access everything, just because they look so cool with the laser wiping over the eye. Securing your own alien eyeball could grant you access to all their facilities, perhaps even their mothership. To get your alien eyeball, just lay a trap for a single alien. Then ambush the unlucky E.T., disable it with a good punch to the head (Will Smith-style), then pluck out an eye. Dispose of the rest. Then, congratulations, you have your passport to everything alien. 4. Go underground Anyone who’s watched movies knows that there’s always a sewage pipe, ventilation shaft, or abandoned subway tunnel that bad guys don’t know about that you can use to access restricted areas. If you don’t have an a former city planner in your camp, you might have to go down to the old city hall building, break in, and retrieve a map of all the tunnels and waterworks for the city. This should give you at least one choice for an entrance. Chances are, it will require split-second timing, and you’ll have to create a diversion or something. 5. Pretend to be a mindless minion If your aliens are the human-enslaving type, then they’ve probably got droves of mindless human slaves wandering their streets or working in their factories. This can be an easy way for a normal human to walk right past alien defenses. All you’ve got to do is find a herd of mind-wiped humans, keep a blank facial expression, make your eyes all glazed over, and walk like a zombie with them past the alien checkpoints or guards until you get to your target. Then, wait until the coast is clear and find cover. Bingo! You’ve penetrated the aliens’ defenses and you’re ready to complete your mission. Now, you might want to print up this post, like, right now and hide it in a steel box in your basement. You never know when the invasion will occur-it could be this afternoon-and you need these instructions in hard copy form. Good luck!