So there are more important criteria in your college search than the school’s mascot, but it’s still important… sorta. Some mascots are symbols of power and prowess, like the USC Trojan or the LSU Tiger. And some, um, aren’t. Going instead for cuteness or humor has left some schools with less-than-cool mascots. These mascots provide comic relief (Isn’t that what drunk, fat guys are for?), but I pity the football team that has to march out onto the field behind one of these. You would almost have to be extra fierce to make up for a big dorky toadstool or a rainbow colored whatchamacallit. If you ask me, lame mascots really get your team off on the wrong foot in the intimidation department.

Some glaring examples of lame mascots appear below. I hereby petition, in the interest of the sports teams that must be represented by these sorry ambassadors, that these mascots be removed and replaced by something cool. The five lamest college mascots are:

1. The Evergreen State College Geoduck – A geoduck is a mollusk with a bizarre tube protruding from its shell to propel it through the water. The geoduck, although the longest living mollusk in the world, is seriously lacking in the intimidation department. The costumed geoduck used at sporting events is no improvement on the boring creature.

2. The Ohio State Buckeye – A buckeye is a kind of nut. That’s right, a nut. True, it’s a tough nut to crack, but it’s still just a nut. Their costumed mascot is a hearty-looking fellow with a buckeye nut head- it looks like someone wearing one of those dog attack suits.

3. The Stanford Tree – Christmas trees may say alot of things, like ‘love’, ‘family,’ ‘the holidays’, and so on. But one thing they don’t say is, “Prepare for hell, you miserable cretins. Today you meet your maker!” The crooked eyes and loopy red lips don’t help either.

4. The Syracuse Orange – See all of the reasons in number 2.

5. The Saint Louis Billiken – If you’re wondering what a Billiken is, join the club. Billiken’s are an imaginary race of otherworldly creatures dreamed up, literally, by some lady. How they became a college mascot is beyond me. Can we expect to see Smurfs or TellyTubbies grace the sidelines? Heaven forbid.

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